The Quest For Every Beard Type

[Denominator]

To all you who can grow facial hair, I challenge you.

Today I begin my quest for every beard type. The guide can be found here (http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-type-chart/). At the current time, there are 33 listed beards, so this may take a while.

I challenge any other forum goers that can grow facial hair to race me. The first to all 33 beards will win a prize determined by those in the contest during the contest (if any one else is manly enough to take up the challenge). Beards must be as described and I trust the general XForgery population to disapprove of any unworthy beards. You must sport the beard for an entire 24 hours for it to count.

One man's journey is documented here (http://www.dyers.org/blog/beards/beard-types/).

So begins the quest!

[PsychoBucket]

This is what you need to do:

1) Start with a Short Boxed Beard
2) Grow it to a point for a Ducktail
3) Let it grow out more and turn it into a French Fork
4) Then trim it down to Friendly Mutton Chops
5) Trim it more until you get the Fu Manchu
6) Then go to The Zappa
7) Then the Copstash Standard
8) Then the Pencil

If you do it in that order it would save a lot of time.

[Denominator]

Yep, there's a bunch you can do in short succession. Like the Handlebar Goatee, Van Dyke, Goatee combo.

[Murdock Sampson]

I wish I was manly enough to grow that much facial hair. It'd take a few months for me to get even one though :(

[Denominator]

I wish I was manly enough to grow that much facial hair. It'd take a few months for me to get even one though :(

Meh. It's a life long quest. And you'll feel more manlier with each beard grown.

[Morphine]

Doesn't beard imply chin hair? Some of the 'beards' on that chart look like mustaches to me.

[Denominator]

Doesn't beard imply chin hair? Some of the 'beards' on that chart look like mustaches to me.

For the purposes of this, beard applies generally to facial hair.

[Denominator]

Beard #1 Accomplished!

Short Boxed Beard

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/beard13.png

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/154231.jpg

I even tried to match the expression.

[Null Parameter]

LOL!

Even your haircut basically matches the picture.

[Kenny M]

love it lawl

[DeathsFriend22]

you look waaay too much like the guy in the black/white pic.

[Denominator]

you look waaay too much like the guy in the black/white pic.

I know. Wait until I have the Van Dyke (again):

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/beard6.png

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.jpg

[Null Parameter]

Do you really need it again if you've already had it?

[Denominator]

Do you really need it again if you've already had it?

Yes. The point of the quest is that it has a starting date.

Technically, if I wanted, I've already had:

Mutton Chops
Van Dyke
Friendly Mutton Chops
Short Boxed Beard
Goatee
Fu Manchu
Federation Standard
Soul Patch
Copstash Standard
Handlebar

Which takes a lot off the quest. However, The point was that I started on January 27th, and to see how long it takes me. Besides Null, you've seen the wall. I'm putting my picture over each one and they have to be taken it the correct format to count.

[Denominator]

Having completed Beard #1, I moved on to #2. My original plan was to go to Friendly Mutton Chops, but my girlfriend vehemently vetoed that. So instead I went to the Hollywoodian.

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/beard1.png
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/190106.jpg

From the front it looks decent. Rather intimidating. But from the sides....

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/190115.jpg

It's like "Why the fuck is there a gap there?!" And there is no proper way to shape the end of the beard so it doesn't look ridiculous. Compare to the sides on the Short Boxed Beard, which look natural:

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/154241.jpg

At least I only have to have it for 24 hours, then I can move on.

[Denominator]

With my 24 hours of Hollywoodian completed, I moved onto the next logical progression of beards:

Van Dyke
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/beard6-1.png

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/184514.jpg

Nothing special here, as this tends to be the beard I sport when I feel like having a beard. It is also one of the treasured few that my girlfriend approves of.

Another beard tomorrow.

[Denominator]

Ugh.

So I figured I had 2 possible routes from the Van Dyke - the Fu Manchu/Copstash or the Goatee/Soul Patch. Given that the Fu Manchu is a required part of the Winfield, I went with the latter. Bad idea.

The Goatee, as shown in the beard style guide, is hideous. I don't know why this was ever popular, but it's an old style like the Old Dutch or the French Fork, all of which are ridiculous today.

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/beard14.png
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/192902.jpg

Yep. It's ugly. I hate it, my girlfriend hates it, all my colleagues hate it. The one person who actually liked it was the person at the registry office. Which sucked.

I recently bought a new vehicle. Which meant today I had to head down and register it so that I could drive it around. So when I handed in my paperwork, they needed my driver's license as well. And then they notice that the address I'm trying to register my vehicle to is not the same as the one on my license. I explain that I also recently moved (again). So I have to renew my license. Then she looks at my picture. Apparently, my old license picture (in which I had an absolutely kick ass full beard) was no longer acceptable because I was smiling a little bit. So now she tells me they'll have to take a new picture. With the gay-ass beard. And when I tell her I don't want a new picture, she won't let me register the car because it's a different address and I can't have conflicting addresses. So I say renew my license with the same picture. She tells me I can't because it's against the law. So basically, if I wanted my car, I'd have to have a new picture taken. Fuck.

So I looked at the Goatee and decided that it's not 1850 anymore. The current Goatee is much more slick and fashionable. I shaved down to that and I can at least accept this. So does my girlfriend.

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/231425.jpg

Yes, before anyone comments, I am not wearing a shirt in that picture. I don't wear a shirt when I shave.

Don't expect to see another beard posted for a while. It's growing time again.

[BabySmuggler]

Don't expect to see another beard posted for a while. It's growing time again.

Hahahaha. You say it like its harvest season and your trying to plant your peas.

[Skittlemeister]

LOL wut? Is this like a contest?

[Null Parameter]

More of a personal goal.

[Denominator]

LOL wut? Is this like a contest?

It could be. It's more of a personal contest because most of the people on this site are incapable of growing facial hair.

[Shell]

It could be. It's more of a personal contest because most of the people on this site are incapable of growing facial hair.

HEY! I happen to be working on my soul patch!

[Null Parameter]

HEY! I happen to be working on my soul patch!
And I'm working on my Mutton Chops! ;)

[Denominator]

And I'm working on my Mutton Chops! ;)

And I'm working on my French Fork...

[wiggums]

Never give up! Never surrender!
Keep at it!

[BabySmuggler]

Mutton Chops are for the weak. I'm gonna go with Industry Rap Standard. Looks the most plausible for me. And now I'm can spit rhymez like I'm choking.

[makisupa007]

Yes. The point of the quest is that it has a starting date.

Technically, if I wanted, I've already had:

Mutton Chops
Van Dyke
Friendly Mutton Chops
Short Boxed Beard
Goatee
Fu Manchu
Federation Standard
Soul Patch
Copstash Standard
Handlebar

Which takes a lot off the quest. However, The point was that I started on January 27th, and to see how long it takes me. Besides Null, you've seen the wall. I'm putting my picture over each one and they have to be taken it the correct format to count.

I commend you for taking on this challenge in it's entirety, but you should give yourself the ones you've had in the past....as long as you can provide a picture providing beard proof. Even the dedicated beard boy in the original post has not completed the challenge in over 10 years. The earliest beard shot is from 1998. Cut yourself a little slack and maybe you can complete your quest within a decade.

[Denominator]

I commend you for taking on this challenge in it's entirety, but you should give yourself the ones you've had in the past....as long as you can provide a picture providing beard proof. Even the dedicated beard boy in the original post has not completed the challenge in over 10 years. The earliest beard shot is from 1998. Cut yourself a little slack and maybe you can complete your quest within a decade.

Fine...

Yes. The point of the quest is that it has a starting date.

Technically, if I wanted, I've already had:

Mutton Chops
Van Dyke
Friendly Mutton Chops
Short Boxed Beard
Goatee
Fu Manchu
Federation Standard
Soul Patch
Copstash Standard
Handlebar

Which takes a lot off the quest. However, The point was that I started on January 27th, and to see how long it takes me.

http://photos-d.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v129/94/120/507900375/n507900375_499875_6666.jpg September 2007
[/img] November 2008
The friendly mutton chops picture is on my cell phone.
Short Boxed beard has been around a while:
http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v233/94/120/507900375/n507900375_1065550_5516.jpg April 2008
http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v286/94/120/507900375/n507900375_1232010_7612.jpg May 2008
The Fu Manchu never got photographed. It's wicked ugly.
http://photos-e.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v74/40/74/517064497/n517064497_44012_5075.jpg July 2006
The Soul patch was a leftover from last summer. Also never documented.
Oh, the Copstash. Oh, the Copstash.
http://photos-f.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v173/94/120/507900375/n507900375_850669_6703.jpg September 2004
The Handlebar also never got documented.
And, upon further review, the Ducktail:
http://photos-e.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v296/94/120/507900375/n507900375_1503668_2943.jpg July 2008

[Denominator]

It happens to all of us. It happens to the best of us. You're getting a haircut and the barber goes to far. You shave an extra little bit off your beard and it looks terrible. Your girlfriend/wife shaves it off while you're sleeping.

Ah, the unplanned shave.

So I was shaving my neck and cheeks last night (neck beard sucks) and I accidentally shaved a little bit of my moustache, right at the corner of my mouth. You know, in a spot that is absolutely un-fixable. After some cursing, I calmly walked back to my room to look at the beard wall and see what I could salvage. My intended next beard, the Klingon, was out. Anything that included a moustache was out. That eliminated a shitload of the beards. Since I'd already done the goatee, I wasn't about to do that again. And I didn't want to shave my chin, which I've been growing for 2 months in an attempt to get to the Ducktail or French Fork, or both. So I settled on Chin Curtain. I shaved off the moustache completely, and then shaved my cheeks down lower. But with the longer chin patch, it looked terrible. Absolutely terrible. I was willing to go with it until the rest grew back so I could keep my chin going, but then my girlfriend stepped out of the shower and saw it.

A woman has a terrible amount of power over a man. She has even more power over his beard. If it's not up to her standards, she can and will make your life hell until you fix it. I know this. And I knew that it was coming. So I offered to shave. She told me to take it all off. Beaten, I put the blades to my chin.

But a man with a beard does not go down without a fight. I shaved only the chin, and was left with mutton chops. No dice. She threatened to shave them off herself, and I knew she was serious. So I gradually shortened my sideburns until they were acceptable, then realized I had one more out for my beard quest.

"Federation Standard!" I cried, and went to work. Surprisingly, they were by far the most difficult yet. The gradual curve is so tricky to get once, let alone twice, keeping the sideburns even. But, finally, I managed it.

After two months, this is what I have to show.

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/beard24.png

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/232947.jpg

And here's the sideview:

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/232811.jpg

(yes, I tried to make my hair look like Captain Kirk)

[BabySmuggler]

http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v233/94/120/507900375/n507900375_1065550_5516.jpg
I wanna know what kind of shirt you're wearing in this picture. You look like Dobby the house elf.

[Denominator]

http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v233/94/120/507900375/n507900375_1065550_5516.jpg
I wanna know what kind of shirt you're wearing in this picture. You look like Dobby the house elf.

It was laundry day and my brother got angry at me for not wearing a shirt. So I put on the most beat up, ratty, old Tshirt I could find.

[MNM1245]

You know what would be cool. You should start taking a photo every morning and then when you're done combine them all into a movie that we can watch that shows how your beard changes over time. That would be cool.

OK so like this
YouTube - Noah takes a photo of himself every day for 6 years.

It wouldn't get all of the quest but some of it would be video documented then

[Denominator]

You know what would be cool. You should start taking a photo every morning and then when you're done combine them all into a movie that we can watch that shows how your beard changes over time. That would be cool.

OK so like this
YouTube - Noah takes a photo of himself every day for 6 years. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B26asyGKDo)

It wouldn't get all of the quest but some of it would be video documented then

I would totally do that if I hadn't already started. It would be epic to get everything in that, but I don't want to do it partway and I don't want to start over.

[MNM1245]

Ya I thought you might say that. Oh well it woulda been epic if I told you earlier before the start

[Denominator's GF]

Finally I have a venue to make my protest know.
The Quest for Every Beard Type, has ruined my life.
The, "French Fork," the, "Hulihee" give me break.
As a result of this quest, my boyfriend now has a new drivers licence picture, in which he is sporting ridiculous facial hair.
Thank you.

[BabySmuggler]

YouTube - World Beard & Moustache Championships
? Awesome ?

[Denominator]

The Winfield:

http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i47/chubbybunny28/122406.jpg

[GladiateSmiths]

Finally I have a venue to make my protest know.
The Quest for Every Beard Type, has ruined my life.
The, "French Fork," the, "Hulihee" give me break.
As a result of this quest, my boyfriend now has a new drivers licence picture, in which he is sporting ridiculous facial hair.
Thank you.

Wow... LOL!

[Kenny M]

W00t Go Phenominator!

[Gkoo]

Lol, I'm only 14 and I have the Copstash Standard. I'll get a picture when I return home, cause my camera is there. I'm at my weekend house now.

http://www.dyers.org/images/beards/beardtypes.png